We celebrated Christmas again yesterday with the whole family this time because Bruce had to work etc... I got a gift card to go to the chiropractor from Bruce and Sarka. I really needed it. My back's been feeling weird and I wanted to get it checked out but didn't really have the cash...so bueno! I've been keeping busy cleaning the house, cooking and doing random things my mom asks me to. Sometimes I'll just sit in the living room and my mom will come in and talk at me for like an hour. I think it helps her relieve stress or something. Sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked back into this vortex of confusion that I was slowly able to crawl out of over the years of being away from home. I've stopped caring about what I do all day, I sleep till 12:30 or 1pm. I eat brownies for breakfast, wear really ugly clothes that I found in the attic, watch movies during the day, and have stopped caring about plucking my eyebrows. But then, just as I go to the kitchen and look for some candy or chocolate or something to eat for lunch the clutter and confusion overwhelms me, I realise I can't live like this and I grab something small and healty and head for the YMCA. I've been jogging to get there because there's no other way I can get myself to jog. I can't run on treadmills and I won't jog outside randomly for longer than 5 min. So, I work out until I'm exhausted, jog home (it takes about 20 min) and try to clean up the house again or do something productive like shop for a Christmas present for Sam, drive Sterling around or plan for school (I've had to smooth out some problems that came from me "graduating" in Dec.). You know it really is strange how separated I feel like the lives of "carrie" and "jo" are. I feel like I have split personalities or something.
Well, Sam comes home on Saturday and Fern has been calling me and helping me work out all the little details that I don't know if I'd necessarily over look, but I like talking about (thanks Fern). I try not to think about it too much because everytime I do I get that feeling inside -sorry about the horrible analogy- when you know you shouldn't do something (like eat the whole chocolate cake, or even something like keeping the wad of cash you found at the theatre, stealing your roommates really expensive food or shower stuff, or that feeling when you're jogging and decide to walk even though your not that tired or just anytime you've had to control yourself from doing something you really want to do) then I feel like giving in and just doing it! But that's the problem, it's not like I'm making the decision not to see him yet so even when I would give in...I don't get to see him. Wow, did that make any sense. Speaking of giving in...I really want a burrito and I've had dinner twice today! Once at 5 as usual and once at 7:30 also as usual now too.
Oh, I bought a book about animal psychology. I think it's pretty interesting. Maybe I'll start reading more. I think I'll definitely read more when I get out of school. I know that sounds backwards, but when I'm not being forced to read other things, I think I'll read for fun more.